I sometimes feel like a sheep, prey for those who are ruthlessly striving for self-interest, when I get myself in the middle of conflict and innocently trying to help! What happens when the person or people you want to discuss the conflict with, have no interest in solutions, except to force their own agenda on others. Our internal anger and fear close our minds to negotiation. Unaware of doing so, we are not open to hearing any other opinion but the assumptions of our own inner story when we have not dealt with those.

What is the lesson for me I wonder? If the principle of life teaches that the obstacles I experience in my circumstances live in my own mind, then why am I confronted with an awareness of a need to solve the conflict between others and myself and even between unknown other parties?

Maybe this is exactly the point…I cannot solve conflict on my own. Everyone involved in the particular conflict need to want to solve it. I can only participate in solving conflict with those who are willing to communicate openly, vulnerably and honestly. When we all show a willingness to move past conditioned ideas or assumptions, born from fear and self-centered desires, we can grow together in understanding and cooperate. If not, I will have to remove myself from the conflict to peruse constructive and creative activities.

Here is what I have learned and try to apply to myself when it comes to conflict:

  • Stop putting your energy into the ones who drain your emotional vitality. It does not go anywhere.
  • Be firm, focused and breathe positive and objective ideas into your life.
  • Avoid a false reality of assumptions that live in your head about a situation; they feed old patterns that hold you prisoner and poison relationships.
  • Learn what you can from conflict by keep an objective stance. See how the circumstances guide you in changing yourself and your internal attitude.
  • It in unnecessary to tell others what to do, even though you can clearly see what will help. They need to discover the answers themselves. Let them do their own work and stay neutral.
  • Do not listen to people who fume the conflict. Choose wise counsel in people who supports empathy, resolution and who help forge understanding. Sometimes, you will have to move away form those who want to pull you into conflict without the slightest ability or desire to converse. Move out of the range of fire until they are ready to do their own work.
  • Exercise courage to stay calm and keep on breathing new life and clarity by keeping out of conflict.
  • Only open up when everyone involved is willing to be humble, vulnerable and honest in discussions.
  • Resign your own fear, responsibility to be a peace keeper, good person or the need to be accepted through compromising yourself.

What do you think?

Jayni Bloch

4 thoughts

  1. When I started reading the first paragraph I was saying to myself, “Don’t get involved in other peoples’ fights.”

    Can everything be negotiated though? You might be having an argument by stating your perspective (and potentially that could be negotiated) but other times it might be be a clear case of something being right or wrong and you have to be on the side of the “right”. As an example if teenagers are arguing and one thinks it’s funny to pick on someone and the other thinks it’s wrong.

    When all else fails and you see that the other person and you are unbending I think agreeing to disagree is the best outcome! I’ve suggested that once and boy the other person did not want to agree to that. Very strange since you’d still be able to keep your own place!

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  2. Fascinating point, Maren. Indeed we do not all have the same moral standards or the same values. We have wars, conflict and disagreements, between people because we see the world from different viewpoints. You bring the question to mind if there is truly a wrong and right. What makes a thing wrong and what makes it right and who or what decides what this is? Where do we get our values and morals from that inform us about how we treat each other?
    Ideologies about right and wrong breed wars. But universal principles prevail.
    Universal principles are for instance respect consideration and acceptance.
    Have we lost the concepts of respect and honor?
    Have we lost the concept of valuing another human being?
    Are we so lost in our own ideas of how we want life to be that we forget to truly listen to another and hear them truly as they do hear us?
    If we can get respect back for each other we can start to build bridges between people. It seems that our children are not learning these principles from their parents and the parents not from leaders any longer? We have lost the basic principles that foster human life. Before we lose ourselves in emotional responses, it would be wise to consider the principles of communication, connection and acceptance. But it requires maturity to do that and a willingness to grow become vulnerable and humble.
    Self-righteousness aggravates our anger and conflict filled society.
    I hope that parents and social leaders realize the challenge of supporting the young of mind to develop this kind of maturity. We all are leaders in our own worlds and participate in this process. Action follows awareness.
    Thanks for your comments.
    Jayni

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  3. “Universal principles are for instance respect, consideration, and acceptance”

    Universal meaning world-wide? Are they really universal (world-wide) principals? Honor for instance is being debated in the courtroom lately. Just thinking out loud here and not wanting to sound confrontational. Lots to think about.

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  4. Yes, your points are good ones, Maren. Thanks for your thinking out loud. I love to hear your ideas and consider them seriously. You stimulate me to refine the verbalization of my thoughts:)
    The principles spoken of, exist on a level of an underlying meaning, and an awareness of that underlying meaning, in our participation of our life experience….if that makes any sense, because it is difficult to express that kind of ‘meaning’ experience in words:)

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