We are talking about relationships again! No-one gets enough of this subject because it seems so paramount to our happiness.
Do not underestimate the power of the unconscious mind my friends. Today we love to only focus on the cognitive, but be assured; you will not go far in life without accessing your unconscious patterns if you want to heal and life a happy life. My book “The Riddle in the Mirror – a journey in search of healing”, describes the importance of recognizing how you’re personal and relationship problems originate in family and ancestral wounds. Your personal story relates to your cultural and ancestral story as a means for personal as well as collective healing. These stories are Archetypal in nature and guide our development and spiritual evolution.
Partners reflect/mirror each other…or the family line legacy that is not yet dealt with internally. Depending on where you are in terms of having healed your ancestral history and developed your psychological spiritual health, you will see yourself and what you need to heal and where you need to grow, in your relationships with the closest people around you. If your partner does not grow with you, or allow you to grow, you need to grow without that person, or you will only stay a ‘seed’ with unreleased potential who repeats patterns of conflict without moving forward from it. We are here to evolve and partners are guides along the way for where and how to develop. Sometimes we outgrow our partners when they do not grow with us. This is why it is important to choose a partner that develops with you. As you learn, they learn and you keep on reflecting and supporting each other in growth. When this does not happen, we feel stuck and unhappy.
Take your time and do not rush to make a relationship permanent, unless you have clarity about the depth of your partner’s commitment to keep on growing with you. Their intention might be there, but they may be incapable because of their entrapment with old family legacies. Appeal to your partner to heal this in therapy urgently, for the health of the individual as well as the relationship. If you partner has self-centered reasons for their connection with you it will reveal itself in their behavior over time.
The problem with our current era is that we commit to permanent relationships too soon and when we are too young, innocent or unready to select a true life partner. Choosing a life partner can mostly only happen after you had a variety of experiences with people who have shown you yourself in their reflection so that you can grow to become ready for the real deal. The real deal happens when you recognize that person who is capable of continuously moving and growing with you and when both of you have healed to the extent that you are not stuck in historic patterns where you project onto each other. This requires effort and dedication and above all honesty and humility in your communication with yourself as well as your partner. Clear communication is only possible when you assert you needs and principles without compromise. Allowing abuse, addiction or over dependence and especially manipulation or dishonesty will lead to frustration and loneliness. When there is no movement or growth in your partnership you need to be clear about and hold your partner accountable for living up to the principles and requirements for a healthy connection. These requirements; the basic relationship needs and principles, are what motivate everyone’s growth and makes you both people happy. Of course this is not something you do alone; partnership is a two way street.
Open connectivity and communication is a basic requirement in relationships. So is taking responsibility and ownership of your participation to make the relationship work. Be aware of people who project all the problems onto you and be sure that you do not do so. Sensitive listening and reflection on how to adjust your behavior and attitude, helps promote a more harmonious connection. Your love for each other motivates you to change. When both of you move closer towards each others basic principles, you build a bridge between your worlds. If you or your partner is not willing to participate in building a bridge, change and growth is not possible. You need to recognize that. Don’t waste your time. If there are no changes, willingness and true efforts with no results over a period of time, your relationship is not going anywhere and is a painful repetitive treadmill of behavior that will stay as it is. People who are willing to work on relationships and self-growth, show true growth within a couple of weeks which stays consistent and does not revert back to the original problems. When original problems reoccur without any improvement, you must know you are in trouble. Accept it or leave.
If something is not working in your relationship and you are unhappy or experience constant conflict, start reflecting on how you are repeating patterns that resemble ancestral legacies and themes in your life. Then become clear about YOUR deepest truest needs and not those of society or family. Be true to yourself. Assimilate the lessons you have learned through past relationships and be conscious not to repeat the patterns that taught you those lessons in the first place. You want to move on, not keep on repeating the same lessons. Become clear about the kind of person whom will be able to learn and grow with you and be capable of honest reflection and adjustment, just as you are.
Take your time and do not rush to make a relationship permanent, unless you have clarity about the depth of your partner’s commitment to keep on growing for their own sake as well as with you.
Be happy and blessed in your Love life!