We are talking about relationships again! No-one gets enough of this subject because it seems so paramount to our happiness.

Do not underestimate the power of the unconscious mind my friends. Today we love to only focus on the cognitive, but be assured; you will not go far in life without accessing your unconscious patterns if you want to heal and life a happy life. My book “The Riddle in the Mirror – a journey in search of healing”, describes the importance of recognizing how you’re personal and relationship problems originate in family and ancestral wounds. Your personal story relates to your cultural and ancestral story as a means for personal as well as collective healing. These stories are Archetypal in nature and guide our development and spiritual evolution.

Partners reflect/mirror each other…or the family line legacy that is not yet dealt with internally. Depending on where you are in terms of having healed your ancestral history and developed your psychological spiritual health, you will see yourself and what you need to heal and where you need to grow, in your relationships with the closest people around you. If your partner does not grow with you, or allow you to grow, you need to grow without that person, or you will only stay a ‘seed’ with unreleased potential who repeats patterns of conflict without moving forward from it. We are here to evolve and partners are guides along the way for where and how to develop. Sometimes we outgrow our partners when they do not grow with us. This is why it is important to choose a partner that develops with you. As you learn, they learn and you keep on reflecting and supporting each other in growth. When this does not happen, we feel stuck and unhappy.


Take your time and do not rush to make a relationship permanent, unless you have clarity about the depth of your partner’s commitment to keep on growing with you. Their intention might be there, but they may be incapable because of their entrapment with old family legacies. Appeal to your partner to heal this in therapy urgently, for the health of the individual as well as the relationship. If you partner has self-centered reasons for their connection with you it will reveal itself in their behavior over time.

The problem with our current era is that we commit to permanent relationships too soon and when we are too young, innocent or unready to select a true life partner. Choosing a life partner can mostly only happen after you had a variety of experiences with people who have shown you yourself in their reflection so that you can grow to become ready for the real deal. The real deal happens when you recognize that person who is capable of continuously moving and growing with you and when both of you have healed to the extent that you are not stuck in historic patterns where you project onto each other. This requires effort and dedication and above all honesty and humility in your communication with yourself as well as your partner. Clear communication is only possible when you assert you needs and principles without compromise. Allowing abuse, addiction or over dependence and especially manipulation or dishonesty will lead to frustration and loneliness. When there is no movement or growth in your partnership you need to be clear about and hold your partner accountable for living up to the principles and requirements for a healthy connection. These requirements; the basic relationship needs and principles, are what motivate everyone’s growth and makes you both people happy. Of course this is not something you do alone; partnership is a two way street.

Open connectivity and communication is a basic requirement in relationships. So is taking responsibility and ownership of your participation to make the relationship work. Be aware of people who project all the problems onto you and be sure that you do not do so. Sensitive listening and reflection on how to adjust your behavior and attitude, helps promote a more harmonious connection. Your love for each other motivates you to change. When both of you move closer towards each others basic principles, you build a bridge between your worlds. If you or your partner is not willing to participate in building a bridge, change and growth is not possible. You need to recognize that. Don’t waste your time. If there are no changes, willingness and true efforts with no results over a period of time, your relationship is not going anywhere and is a painful repetitive treadmill of behavior that will stay as it is. People who are willing to work on relationships and self-growth, show true growth within a couple of weeks which stays consistent and does not revert back to the original problems. When original problems reoccur without any improvement, you must know you are in trouble. Accept it or leave.

If something is not working in your relationship and you are unhappy or experience constant conflict, start reflecting on how you are repeating patterns that resemble ancestral legacies and themes in your life. Then become clear about YOUR deepest truest needs and not those of society or family. Be true to yourself. Assimilate the lessons you have learned through past relationships and be conscious not to repeat the patterns that taught you those lessons in the first place. You want to move on, not keep on repeating the same lessons. Become clear about the kind of person whom will be able to learn and grow with you and be capable of honest reflection and adjustment, just as you are.
Take your time and do not rush to make a relationship permanent, unless you have clarity about the depth of your partner’s commitment to keep on growing for their own sake as well as with you.

Be happy and blessed in your Love life!


4 thoughts

  1. Hello Jayni, I appreciate the perspective from where the article is coming from. A lot of truths.

    That said, I find myself questioning some underlying assertions, which seem to me to be biased by/based upon a ‘western’ cultural perspective. Archetypes (at least to me – am I wrong) imply universal constants – but are these shared cross-culturally, for example in a Muslim culture conditioned by a world view that abrogates any of the sensitivities and proclivities that are inherent in many of the archetypes we might presume, or might be outlined in your work? Or are archetypes in your view variable by culture, and your overall assertion remains correct/constant – across cultural conditioning and contexts?

    Your header refers to unconscious ‘ancestral’ patterns. This to me seems to imply (at least to me) a a proposition based on linearity – again along historical/cultural lines. Do your archetypes as readily apply to view points that go beyond any cultural context, into non-linearity? For example what of views that see consciousness arising out of the un-manifest/non-corporeal to the manifest/corporeal, not just once for a tour on earth, but cyclically, as in a Buddhist or Hindu view (which may be adopted and not necessarily culturally based), that accepts (and might even ‘remember’) a self born into various cultural conditions, as part of its own journey in embodiment?

    cheers. Alex


  2. Hello Alex, Life is multidimensional. We are on many tracks simultaneously during our time on earth. And the archetypes function on all these tracks simultaneously although in different ways on the different dimensions. Our awareness unfortunately do not always recognize these multidimensional tracks as it happens all at the same time. We tend to only focus on one track at a time. ‘Awakening’ or mindfulness or being ‘conscious’ is the term meant for having an awareness of all these tracks at once, without neglecting any of them or give any one of them more importance than the others (which is what our tendency is before awakening). In other words, our physical reality with its history and ancestors are just as much a factor as our spiritual-divine dimension with its history and divine development and evolution. Usually the archetypes are used in human ways instead of the divine way until we wake up to the divine part within us, with is really a battle sometimes because of the interference of our human nature and conditioned intellect that believes we are the heroes of our existence without including our spiritual dimension. So, this is the reason why we need to give attention to how we fit into our history and time-line with all that we are and have been in the complete process of development to understand what we are doing now in the present and more importantly, how to do so in what we contribute to the whole with our own healing.
    Hope this short description gives you some clarity on the very complex question you are asking.
    Thank you for your engagement in this conversation.
    Great Peace and Joy to you,


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