My days in South Africa, were filled with sunlight and dreams of beauty, art, poetry and nature. I loved the colors, textures and sounds of earth and nature around me. I even tried to capture nature by painting horses and flowers. People’s faces too, especially their eyes, needed to be captured in my drawings. Everything I drew spoke to me of lands and journeys far from the borders I knew at the time, as if they were spirits with meaningful memories.

The nights were full of conflicts and tension. I felt the stress between my parents and at times tried to intervene when their arguments became heated. Emotions erupted into loud angry clashes and their volatile energies piercing my heart like swords.

“Please Daddy, try to understand Mommy.” “Mommy, please try to understand Daddy”

At the age of ten, I felt responsible to protect Mommy from Daddy’s anger, and Daddy from Mommy’s ruthless emotional revenge? I wondered why they could not comprehend each other’s points of views. My search for answers to understand relationships became urgent. My search to understand life and people was burning even more fiercely inside.

The sun shone its golden light with forceful joy in the morning to the exuberant choir of birds. It conjured up songs and poems and life from far away. Even the winter sun reminded me that the promise of green peaches on the still bare trees in our garden, are not far from its next ripe season, and the potential of the usual abundance of figs and apricots falling its heavy ripeness to the ground, will soon feed the birds to bursting.

My parents fought with each other, but they did not discriminate against people. And I knew that even though it felt to me as if they did not understand me, they did love me, or so the child in me hoped and wanted to believe. I dreamed that they loved one another despite their merciless battles.

Winter never lasted too long in South Africa. Relishing the sunlight made the dark side of my days never too unbearable. Sunshine and bird song eventually helped clear the chatter of any dark mood to the wind. Conversations with nature kept my reliance on imagination strong. I now know that magical thinking kept my soul healthy. Yet, making up sad songs to entertain my brother and sister at dusk, while waiting against the warm sunbaked brick wall for our parents to return home from work, got us all in tears in time for their arrival. They never caught on that it was my gloomy songs that incited all the tears.

I often wondered where all the melancholy came from, but it must have been there all along, picking up the sorrow in the hearts of my loved ones, or the losses that was about to happen with the deaths of two siblings long before it happened.

Even today, as I sit in the dusk of the Canadian winter sun, having lived many decades on this earth, I still feel sad when I wait on my loved ones to come home. There’s something sad about the sun setting and the dark entering the rooms of my habitat. For a brief moment I fear being cold with loneliness. Then, we greet each other after a long day’s work, lite the fires, and our hearts start to warm up, sharing stories with loving feelings of togetherness.

During childhood, I often talked to God in the warm darkness of the southern hemisphere night. Only Higher Beings could truly understand my feelings and observations. I did not dare express my views to those whom I knew would not listen. Lost, like someone from another planet, knowing that the humans around me did not seem to appreciate or even care to think beyond the socially acceptable, was frightening. I preferred looking up at the stars to talk to the Creator, to joining my family’s drunken parties. Senseless drinking, crude jokes, and silly flirting, disturbed me. I was a serious, 10-year-old ‘old-woman’, who tried to balance the extreme pain in my home by focussing and searching for meaning, why I was alive, and what I had to do in this life.

The ever-present conflict, everywhere in South African society, were hard to avoid. At school, the English and Afrikaans-speaking children fought as if the Boer-war were still happening. My dual-medium primary school separated us pupils into English and Afrikaans classes. I made friends with an English-speaking girl in another class with whom I played tennis. After my teacher noticed this, the school made an official announcement that a new school-rule prohibited all pupils to have friends outside of their own classrooms. This was really strange to me. How can people be kept apart because they have different languages or grades? At that time, I was not even aware of Apartheid and that a whole group of South Africans was kept separate form us because of race, color and language. I perused my forbidden friendship anyhow, which lasted long after primary school.

Looking back on my life, it is clear to me that I distrusted authority and their rules. I desired peace and meaning and longed for depth and honesty.

Children have no desire to fight over differences. Children do not even notice differences. Children accept each other without distinction. Children have no requirements for similarities as a condition for their friendships. It is the adults, the teachers and the parents that project their prejudices and instil discrimination in children. Children are indoctrinated with societal and cultural ideas that taint consideration for others. Teachers, priests, governments, and above all, parents inspire life principles and ideas in children that affects harmony or conflict in all of humanity.

My mother taught me that I was unique and made me a school uniform that was different to all the other kids to prove her point. The school did tolerate this for some reason to my surprise. But I was still teased. My father taught me that I was clever and talented and could do anything I wanted in life, as long as I become a hairdresser. His ambitions for me were to have a chain of hairdressing saloons, because he noticed my artistic nature. He never really thought that I would want to study, get a university degree or have a career. After all, I was a woman. He thought that it wasn’t necessary for girls to go to university, because they got married and have children. Women could have part-time businesses, but not academic careers, according to the sentiment of the patriarchal times in which I grew up. My dad was surprised when I did have ambitions to study. He never stopped me. He supported me conditionally and eventually became proud of me when I did produce three degrees and became a Clinical Psychologist.

The school, church, culture and government, in South Africa, were very authoritarian. I knew that I just had to tolerate adults with their unreasonable rules and ideas, until hopefully one day there may be a right place and people to share my opinions with. I developed a sensitivity to people’s approachability and had a good bias-meter. I knew that voicing my true feelings and ideas would cause great repercussion. Silence protected me from speaking up only to be ridiculed or abandoned by those who were prejudice and unable to accept others that were different form themselves. I felt repressed even by my own culture. I developed a goiter at the age of twenty, because of my suppressing my inner voice and true feelings.

I tried to hide my sense of strangeness by trying to fit in at times, but immediately resented it when I was categorized having similar views to the group I attempted to belong to. Never assume I am similar to the people I talk or mix with. I am a multifaceted individual with unique ideas that is always expanding and changing. But I still belong to the human race. Ask how I feel, and what I think, before you judge me as having exact and similar ideas and beliefs as anyone I associate with. It is insulting and discriminating to make assumptions about anyone at any time without consulting their thoughts and opinions first. I am not to ever be categorized, despite the fact that I love all people for who they are, whatever they believe. That does not mean that I agree with them in totality. Groups or organizations, require people to surrender their individuality for the sake of the group-identity, which usually exclude those who are not part of that particular group, or they do not leave space for change or expansion of traditional ideas. I am my own person, free to keep developing my understanding and philosophies that goes beyond confined borders of specific stagnated views.

I choose to say ‘yes’ to every experience and opportunity, whether it is adventurous or painful…then birth the totally new from the awareness’s that comes from the encounters. That my friends are the transformation and evolution that I so dearly endorse. I want to keep on building the new on the foundation of the familiar – renew and move forward, not stay in one place repeating the same old, but discover and, above all, create new frontiers. If you get me, you are welcome to join me, or you can choose to stay where you are in judgment.

Polarities intrigue me. When anyone upheld any idea, the opposite would be underlying that very idea as a shadow side. Opposites are present as an axis in the psyche while the persona, if there is no self-awareness, are only aware of the one side of that axis which they promote as an exclusive idea. Hypocrisy can be explained by this ignorant state of affairs. Whatever I noticed in others, I practice on myself for verification. The more passionate my feelings about a certain quality I endorse, the more probable a powerful opposite side exist in the subconscious of my mind. For instance, when dishonesty disturbs me, and a passionate need for honesty rule my life, I realized that somehow, the potential for lying, inhabited my unconscious mind. A deliberate mindfulness of one’s own shadows is the only way to practice understand and compassion for oneself and others. I found my soul’s shadows and soul-direction in my nightly dreams and life’s synchronicities. An openness to communicate with the deeper hidden parts of myself, always informs me about all the sides of my human potential.

I know that confinement to my yellow bedroom, stirred an awareness of my souls’ ability to expand infinity; poverty, stirred my deepest ability to appreciate natural wealth and abundance in Nature; discrimination and segregation, woke my deepest acknowledgement for all people; reading the one book available to me at the time, opened a portal that accessed all the books in the universe; loneliness intensified my ability to love; conflict matured my responsiveness to create peace and harmony.

It is clear to me now, after more than six decades in this world and having experienced many lives in a variety of places and circumstances, that my search for meaning has forced my silence at times, but gave me the opportunity to observe human behaviour, including my own, very closely. I tested my observations and experiences with all the academic knowledge as well as esoteric teachings, never identifying with any one school of thought, but always open to new insights, checking the validity. I know that understanding is an evolutional process. I am writing this book to share with you the insights I have accumulated that contributed to my understanding of the human psyche and its development; of the archetypes and how they manifest in people’s personalities, and the cycles of unfolding experiences, as well as in Nature.

The first archetype we will discuss is the Connecting/Nurturing Archetype. Thereafter, I will lead you through the archetypes of the Creative Performer; the Champion/Outsider; the Observer/teacher; the Ambivalent Love/Unifier; the Stimulus Seeker/ Entrepreneurial Visionary; the Courageous Guardian/Controlling Boss; the Healer Moderator/ Escapist; and the Multidimensional Multifaceted Idealist Individualist. This work is an integration of psychology, body energy meridian systems, the Enneagram, Tarot, astrology, numerology, mythology and more.

 

Love and Blessings,

Jayni

 

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